Safety First: Shove Something in That Kid’s Mouth
It’s that time of year. It’s time for all the stories about perilous playthings and toxic toys. Remember: Safety First!
The news is too negative. Let’s do something different. Let’s take a more positive approach and encourage each other to find things we can safely shove into our kids’ mouths this Christmas Season.
We’ll start with a few basic items you are sure to have around the house.
Food: depending on the age, good luck. If they have teeth, let them use them. Cutting Rule of Thumb: if the pieces are too small to be picked up off the high-chair tray, you are being weird.
Candy: success rate is inversely proportional to age.
Popsicle: this requires two preliminary questions: how expensive is your carpet, and is it snowing outside?
Food will get old after a while, and your child will surely be parched. It’s time to transition to the liquid/salivation category.
Sippy Cup: You’ll need another one from the store. The other 47 aren’t coming back.
Bottle: Brace yourself: they don’t explode in the microwave. Unless you have burn blisters on your wrists or plan on squirting the liquid into your baby’s eyeballs, you can probably get away with a 10-second nuke.
(LEGAL DISCLAIMER: HUMOROUS REFERENCE TO NUCLEAR HEATING METHODS ASSUMES A 200W MICROWAVE AND A MODERATE AMOUNT OF COMMON SENSE. FIGHTER FAITH AND ITS REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS IN NO WAY ENDORSE, APPROVE, OR RECOMMEND ANY ALTERNATIVE METHODS TO HEATING INFANT CONSUMABLES AND DO NOT ASSUME ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR HEATING METHODS IN NONCOMPLIANCE WITH NATURALLY DEVELOPED PROCESSES. THE BEST WAY TO AVOID BURNS, SCALDS, DISCOMFORT, SQUEAKY NOISES, DRIPPED-ON CRIB SHEETS, TOOTH ROT, DEPRESSION, AND FEAR OF REJECTION IS TO DITCH THE BOTTLE AND PUT SOMETHING NATURAL IN THAT BABY’S MOUTH).
Pacifier: you’ll probably have to move some furniture.
Child’s Own Finger: because it comes natural (CAUTION: COMBINING CHICKEN-FRY CONSUMPTION WITH FINGER-PLAY CAN LEAD TO NAUSEA, VOMITING, AND DISORIENTATION AND CAN LEAD TO AN INCREASED RISK FOR SCRAPES, PUNCTURES, BRUISES, LACERATIONS, MANGLING, AND DECREASED PRESENCE OF PLASTIC COSTUME JEWELRY).
Someone Else’s Finger: because the mind thrives on novelty, and it builds up their immune system (right?).
Once the palate is sufficiently moist, they will get bored. They will need a challenge. It’s time to transition to the intellectual stimulation category:
Mouth guard: imagine the possibilities!
Cherry Stem: have them tie a knot with their tongue. (If you’re worried about your kid choking, stop reading and go teach them how to swallow).
Broken Kazoo: you would never give them a working kazoo. It’s already too loud in here.
Any Broken Woodwind Instrument: just tell them they’ll get better.
Now you don’t have to worry about lead-laced toys (although to be safe, you should consider sending products made in China to a lab for drywall testing).
You can have peace of mind knowing that you put safety first and their playthings are phthalate-free.
What do you shove in your kid’s mouth?
- Stop and Play: Appease Your Toddler and Stay Sane
- Focus Your Reach and Grasp What’s Important
- A Father’s Legacy: Memories From a Thankful Son
About Jason B. Ladd
Jason is an author, speaker, Marine, and father of seven. He has flown the F/A-18 Hornet as a Marine Aviation Weapons and Tactics Squadron 1 (MAWTS-1) Instructor Pilot and the F-16 as an Instructor Pilot. His award-winning book One of the Few: A Marine Fighter Pilot’s Reconnaissance of the Christian Worldview has been optioned for film adaptation. He is represented by Julie Gwinn of The Seymour Agency.